Things have been alright, I guess, since the last time I've posted. There's been some turmoil, and that horrible anti-climax you get after doing something you've been looking forward to the entire year. England was great, I really enjoyed it- but then you get home and are all like, "Well fuck- back to same-old same-old."
*mental notes that she needs to write an UBER-POST about the awesomeness of England, and to get her photos off her camera when Dad comes around again*
I was actually surprised at how the anti-climax struck me. But then again, it was mixed with all these unvented frustrations related to New Year's... so it makes sense. Have to thank Liam for being there when they all came tumbling out- and whilst I'm at it, DAMN YOU CADE FOR STEALING HIM! :P
Well okay, I guess now that I've made a fleeting mention of unvented frustrations I'll have to go ahead and let them roll off the fingers. The problem is, well, mainly stagnation. I hate it so damned much, yet I seem to find myself there so often. It's been four years now since I've really had a noteable awareness and understanding of myself, yet life is largely the same in annoying but fixable places. Still overweight, and not as healthy as I'd like to be. Still have the hormonal crap- but I don't worry about that so much because frankly, like most girls out there I like not having the monthly bleed. Still have the really aggravating skin condition and still have no idea what the flying fuck it is. And still have no idea why I feel so compelled to muck with it instead of leaving it alone to heal. And the scars? I'll be damned if I knew how long it's going to take for them to fade. Chances are they'll be hanging around for the long run, all the way to the grave. My magnus opei is still on hiatus, despite finding my favourite muse once again, and thus still unpublished and unexpressed. I still let old issues get me angry/upset, still just not fully letting them go despite time and time again convincing myself that I've gotten over them. I still haven't gotten myself out there, still haven't showcased the talent I can say with no ego that I know I have. Still not feeling the compulsion to read, let alone read enough. Still can't remember the last time I was truly content with where I was. Mel-Fest came close, I must admit. So damned close.
The number of stills in that paragraph is somewhat depressing. Grrr Mel. So I can guess you can understand how much I just don't like New Year's. It's just the ultimate reminder of the "same shit- different day" scenario. But argh, enough of that wad of emo.
Having read what I just wrote, I think we all need another Mel-Fest. Or at least I do. No-one should underestimate the awesomeness of cake and drinking on the beach. So fucking fantastic!
Lately I've been having weird dreams again. I don't mean weird in a "WTF what the hell was I on?!" kind of way, because I love dreams like that, but in a "Why the hell am I having *that* sort of dream? And why is it communicating that to me?" kind of way. I'm thinking that's what pushed me to LJ again. They're telling me annoying things in a symbolic way that, unusually and annoyingly, I can decode this time. To put it in hypothetical convoluted terms, say an aubergine elephant did something in a dream of mine. My standard reaction is "Why the hell did the elephant do that, and, though pretty trippy and cool, why the hell did my head colour the elephant aubergine?!" I love the trippyness, and the fact I have no idea what my subconscious was trying to communicate. With the recent dreams, I've been able to ever so easily decode what the aubergine elephants are symbolically standing in for, and I've been able to see so easily how their actions co-incide with past and present wish fulfillments. Dreams just aren't fun when you know what they're trying to say!
But blargh. I feel a bit better now, having put problems down into words, but whether they'll now get dealt with is, of course, another issue entirely. I hope they do. I don't want another stagnant year.
I also should really remember how LJ cuts work. Might save some people some room on their Friends page lol.
Anyway, to bed with me! And hopefully to some amusing nonsensical dreams!!
Mel, your long-awaited Queen of Dark Lizards and Lizardy Darkness